WaffleJungle

C  O  N  F  I  R  M  A  T  I  O  N

These 12 alphabets stared back at me and for the longest time, I still can’t make myself do the necessary.

Its an attitude, my boss says.

Its me listening to my heart, I believe.

This place grows on people, me included. Yet something seems lacking. Misplaced even. I know for sure I kick ass, I’m good at what I do and constantly gets the affirmation and assurance that I am doing something right. Yet, as ungrateful as it sounds, I can’t make myself pen down a yes because I want and perhaps even need this exit strategy as my last resort, my trump card should I break down and this time, can’t seem to mend.

It could be like what May describes of me, that I’m very much a perfectionist, paying attention to  the details and not willing to let a flaw slip by. In parallel, this place, however becoming, has not been perfect nor ideal. In fact, far from it. I can list down all sorts of reasons why I should not stay, yet none of them seems to matter when I consider the bunch of people who I contribute to by not leaving.

Unlock my thoughts

I can’t help being who I am. I can’t fathom the day I’ll let standards drop and quality slide. Some things may not be worth doing, yet I find myself stubbornly trudging through the tasks, going at it till my body tires and my knuckles bare bone, just because I can, I want to and I see the worth of completing. I feel the strain, I resent it. Yet I can’t make myself turn a blind eye.

Just like how i used to joke, that seemingly straight forward projects more often than not mutate into monstrous proportions. Sometimes I wonder if it is because of me, that because I try not to leave a stone unturned, did I curse it. Perhaps its a misguided aggression, passion and blind determination that skews and screws with things.

I feel like I badly need a break.. that, or to bite the bullet and as K puts it “Just do the deed and be done with it.”

There’s this bit of fighter in me that refuses to let challenges slip by. Fired up, I’m willing to grind myself to the ground just to prove my point.

Stubborn?

I think so. But I can’t help it. If its to be, its up to me right?

After numerous episodes of tears and heartbreak, something inside me snapped and I’ve decided today, once and for all, I will let go, or die trying.

I’ve never put so much heart and so much soul in something work related that ended up hurting so bad when I decided to go. I wanted to cut my teeth in the real world. Its real, I choose to let go and I suppose its hell about time I come to terms with it.

Its about time I pay attention to what I have and not what I lost. I sometimes wish I could be nonchalant about it and give it a suave wave and goodbye. Its too close to heart and that’s what made it so hard. But I need to learn to trust that what I created in that short span of time, however much reluctant I am to give up, is merely a prelude to the better things to come. Yes, I still miss the littlest things from the past terribly. But what will happen next will be epic. I’m sure of it.

Moving on